“Blurring In and Out of Darkness…”

by Amanda, Pennsylvania, USA

My name is Amanda, I love writing and reading.  I hope to have a moment to shed some light on some of my personal thoughts of this disease I am plagued with, called Hip Dysplasia.  

Last night was a blur, of in and out darkness and pain. I kept waking up feeling different types of pain from my right hip. The pop out pain, the sore pain, the stiff pain, and the best is the pain that radiates to my knees (that one is a classic and very unoriginal . . . nice try hip we did that a week ago!). I tried every position that usually gives me relief but not one worked. I finally gave up, got up at 7am, having stayed up laying on my couch focusing on my pain and waiting. I wanted to either have this pain stop or to just die so I never have to feel it again. I’ll admit I am not mentally healthy either. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD are also what I fight with on a daily basis, but I’m ok. I’m always ok. I must be ok.

I have never really posted about my hips and the life I have like this. If I did it was always just to explain to friends who wouldn’t quite understand and look at me weirdly, asking that very unoriginal question “…like dogs?”. At this painful moment of anger, hurt, regret and shame, you simply smile, nod and say “yes”, because in the end you feel like it might as well be it. After this initial inquiry, it’s almost as if people expect you to never talk about it, even though this is your life and the reality you will live with forever. So many Hip Dysplasia warriors are in a lighter place, but I’m sorry to say I am still stuck in the dark part of this journey. My skin never punctured for the purpose of what fate decided, I must endure for the ‘normal’ life I was never meant to have since birth.

Born broken and needing to be refurbished – this is what comes to mind every time I think of my Hip Dysplasia. Though with therapy for many other life traumas I have endured, I do feel I am getting better. I am a patient person, I will endure this with a smile and a shred of hope. Waiting has been the only thing I seem I can do at this point, so I might as well get comfortable, no?

As a child I was told my only option was a hip replacement. Until I was 23, I believed that lie and now I suffer for it. Had I gotten a PAO like I should have when I was a teenager, this wouldn’t be such a painful time in my life. It is temporary like all other pains and situations, so I don’t mind the wait and embrace the pain allowing me to later appreciate the life I will have then.

For us playing the waiting game, we have many emotions and thoughts that cross us on a daily  and why not? We have done nothing to deserve this life and we still get handed this disease on a silver platter, as if it were a prized grenade with no clip and about to blow. That’s really what this is, it is a disease just waiting to strike and progress. Though there are the lucky ones who were educated properly, who can fight this and win with a smile and hopefully have no more weight on their shoulders.

At some point I will win. But until that day, I am waiting and fighting and staying as positive as I can with my kids for comfort. They are a constant reminder of why life is just so worth living, my guardian angels that keep me strong.  One day I will watch other people dancing, running and walking and not have anger in my heart, or that pang of hurt, or a want that stabs. I will run so much my lungs will cry. I’ll dance so hard I’ll be dizzy. I’ll walk so much my husband will have to have a wheelchair instead, just to keep up with me.

I promise this, I will come out standing so strong that this pain will be like a dream and these tears will not be for nothing, because I will be just fine and I’ll never look back again.

I’m not good with blogs but I truly hope this was alright. I don’t have a very organized thought process but with the issues I have its hard to make things flow as they once did. For now at least, as you never know what the future holds…

If you’d like to share your DDH experiences, email your story to contact@livingwithhipdysplasia.com

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